Well, here we are. This is Kirk. I have been fairly radio silent lately, because honestly, I have not had the words to describe the way that I feel.

As I am sure you are all aware, we are pregnant!!! I am over the moon happy, but this is surreal. For the last two years, I have been reassuring Kaley that this was going to happen for us. Truth is, after so many failed attempts at IUI and then the failed transfer during round one of IVF, I do not know how much I actually believed it. Then, that one beautiful day last year after our second transfer, two big fat lines on that pregnancy test. It was real!! It happened to us. We were pregnant! We were so excited that we foolishly rushed out and shouted from the mountain tops, but sometimes IVF giveth and sometimes IVF taketh away. We lost our baby girl. I felt like my soul was ripped away from me. But remember, I am an IVF spouse, so I cannot put that on display. I kept a brave face as I made the calls and announcements that our dream had, in fact, been taken away from us. Our bestie Courtney brought us a flower to plant for baby girl. We did and I still stop by it everyday to remind her that daddy loves her. I shed some tears and told Kaley over and over that we were ok and that this was GOING to happen for us. To be honest, at this point I was filled with doubt.

​Last summer was a hard one. We lost our baby girl and poor Kaley’s body completely betrayed her. Not only did she have to endure one DNC (the process of removing the biological material that was our child), but when she did not heal, she had to endure a second one. For the rest of my life, I will never understand how she found the strength and courage to endure all of that. Yet one morning toward the end of the healing process, she woke up, looked me in my eyes and said, “Ok. Let’s go. We need to start Round 3.” She was not overly confident, but she was on fire. It was a priority, and she was ready. The most frustrating thing in those following weeks and months was that even though she was ready her body was not. But I am an IVF spouse, so even through the brokenness that was my spirit and my lack of confidence, every day I held her, I smiled, and I told her that this was GOING to happen for us.

​Honestly, the rest of the timeline is sort of a blur. I remember Dr. Huber coming in the room after our last retrieval while Kaley was still in the OR. He took off his mask, embraced me like a brother, looked me in my eyes and just said, “We got babies!!” I don’t remember all the numbers, but we ended up with 5 embryos. The way Dr. Huber explained things to me was this, “They are all Heisman trophy candidates!” So my confidence and faith were restored. A few months later, we are walking out of the transfer, he hugs me and says, “I think we got it.” And we did. Another two fat lines on a pregnancy test! But I am and IVF spouse, and IVF giveth and IVF taketh away. So even though there was joy, the weeks and months that have followed have been filled with terror and anxiety. Every time we go into an appointment, I have to put on that face and remind Kaley that this IS HAPPENING TO US. First ultrasound and, bam, we see the fetus. Second ultrasound, fetus is growing, but still we are terrified. Finally, we graduate to Kaley’s OBGYN who tells us that we are past the threshold and that a miscarriage is only a 1% chance and we are a normal pregnant couple. But are we really? After our experiences, I don’t think we can be. In fact, I don’t know if we can be the same people we were before all of this.

​Here we are though!! Week 19 and our anatomy scan!! Still filled with anxiety, yet I am an IVF spouse, so being strong and reaffirming to Kaley that we will be ok, even if I am still not confident at this point. It is almost muscle memory, in fact. As we sit in this dark room, up pops these images on the screen in front of us and for the first time, I see my baby’s face. I see the arms, hands, fingers, the legs, the feet, and the tiny toes. It is without a doubt my kid because Sugar Bear’s feet are crossed at the ankles and the arms are stretched behind the GIANT Fabre head, sprawled out like I do on the beach. Hours later and I am still in awe and I can not quite explain how I feel. One thing I know is that I am thankful to have made it to today. I had to text Dr. Huber and show him the pics and remind him that HE did this for us. That this creation of life is the culmination of all of the hard work and sacrifice HE makes for his craft, and I do not think that there is any chance that even if I live until 100 that I could thank him enough. Y’all this man is an absolute saint! So here we are. Sugar Bear is healthy. There are no visible defects, no abnormalities to speak of. Strong heart and good-looking brain. Many of the markers, including head development (surprise surprise) are a bit ahead of schedule, which is good. Before you ask: no, we are not finding out the gender. Kaley hit the nail on the head when she said that IVF has taken a lot from us and she won’t let it take the one genuine surprise in life away from us, too! I am totally on board with that. I did try to peek today during the scan though, but I have trouble seeing things on those, so I did not know what I was looking at. Besides, if it is my son, they would have had to zoom in pretty close, if ya know what I mean.

Momma Kaley, is doing good. Not as much nauseous as before, but still a challenge. The best thing of all, though, is I finally understand what they talk about pregnant women having a glow. She is so damn cute right now with her pregnant belly. I cannot stop smiling ear to ear when she walks into the room!!! We have a bunch of logistical stuff to figure out, but today it feels like for maybe the first time, this is REALLY happening for us!!!

Love and peace to you all. See you with Sugar Bear sometime in December!