BFN - Big Fat Negative

Our first FET transfer failed. And getting a BFN effin sucks. I feel like my heart has imploded. I'm angry at myself for getting my hopes up. I'm freaking devastated. I’m embarrassed that I have to tell our family and friends YET AGAIN that we still aren’t preggers. The sadness comes in waves. I'll be ok for a minute and then something will trigger me. It could be a friend checking in, a baby commercial, Kirk offering me some ice cream, anything. I know we'll be ok but right now I'm not. I'm not ok at all.

To add insult to injury, finding out the news didn’t go like I had originally hoped it would. I thought I told the proper channels that it was A-OK to leave me a voicemail with the beta results. The clinic closes at 4p and by 3p, I was starting to get a little nervous jervous. In fact, I was about to send the besties a snap when the clinic finally called...

Naturally, I send Kirk this same photo. He immediately changes his mind about waiting until we’re together the following day and wants to Facetime while I listen to the voicemail. He needs to know now. He hates surprises and doesn’t want to wait the roughly 15 hours until he’s back home from his night shift. Ha! ::eye roll::

Ok, new plan: I Facetime Kirk and go to play the voicemail. I instantly start sweating. Why am I so nervous? It’s just a voicemail. Kirk’s in his own little panic episode. I hit play and…. the nurse says to call her back for my results. ::harder eye roll::

After about 20min or so of phone tag, I finally speak with one of the IVF nurses. She was direct and to the point. “I’m sorry Kaley. I wish I had better news. The transfer failed. Let’s get you scheduled to see Dr. Huber next week. When’s a good day for you?” (I’m sure this is her least favorite part of her job.)

I don’t even think I fully processed the news before I Facetimed Kirk back. I know I didn’t say it out loud. I just shook my head and cried. Bless this man’s heart, y’all. He puts on such a strong front for me, but I know this news shattered his world, too. He’s just way better at hiding it than I am.

Thankfully, Kirk was off over the weekend so we were able to spend some time to just be together. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I wanted to mourn the loss of Baby Bravo in private. And I’m grateful Kirk allowed me to do that.

Sidenote: I wanna give a quick shout-out to my SIL, April, for unexpectedly dropping off the beautiful bouquet of flowers and ice cream to us over the weekend. Thank you. Love you. Mean it.

Infertility is a freaking bitch. There’s no way to protect yourself in this journey. I can try and guard my heart but it’s inevitable. Infertility will rob you of every ounce of joy you thought you’d have when trying to create a family. I know I’m jaded. As much as I try to hold onto hope, I also know there’s a good chance of another heartbreak down this road. Our first IVF cycle did just that. another heartache. This isn’t my first BFN. All my preggers tests have been BFNs. But this BFN hits a lot harder.

I thought I was doing better until I asked the clinic for the gender of Bravo. At first I wasn’t going to ask, but I needed to know that embryo’s identity so I could fully mourn the loss of what this baby could have been. I thought I was prepared for the answer. I thought it would help me move on faster. It did not. It did the opposite. It made it a heck of a lot harder.

Baby Bravo was a little girl.

Did that sting for you, too? Yeah, I totally get that. Infertility is a freaking bitch, y’all.

We met with Dr. Huber to discuss what we do from here. What went wrong? When can we try again? What should we do differently? Did I do anything I shouldn’t have done? Should I have done something more? Did I overdo it during Mardi Gras?!

On paper, everything looked perfect. Bravo was a high quality embryo. My hormone levels were exactly were they needed to be. The transfer was a textbook transfer. Dr. Huber explained there are usually two reasons why a transfer like this fails:

1. Sometimes, an embryo just doesn’t stick. There’s no reasoning behind it. It just wasn’t meant to be a live birth.

2. The timing of the transfer was off.

There’s nothing we can really do about #1. However, there are some tests we can do to help with #2, and that’s what we’re going to do next. In short, we’ll spend this next month getting my body ready for a transfer. Instead of transferring another embryo, the clinic will do a biopsy of my endometrium (the lining of my uterus).

This biopsy will actually be for three different tests, called an EndomeTRIO:

1. ERA: Endometrial Receptivity Analysis

   • There is an industry standard window of implantation with transfers. However, some women fall outside of that window. This test will tell us where I am in regards to that window. Our next transfer will be scheduled based off these results.

2. EMMA: Endometrial Microbiome Metagenomic Analysis

   • This test looks at the bacteria in my endometrium. Is it good bacteria or bad bacteria? Good bacteria helps grow a baby. Bad bacteria prevents pregnancy.

3. ALICE: Analysis of Infectious Chronic Endometritis

   • The ALICE test goes hand in hand with the EMMA test. This test will specifically look for chronic inflammatory bacteria.

(If you want to geek out over these tests, here’s a really good YouTube video that goes into more deets about it.)

It’ll take about two weeks to get my biopsy results back (Yay… another TWW). If everything goes as planned, then we’ll transfer Alpha in April. & yes, I’m loving the alliteration of that sentence.

I know I’ve said this before and I will continue to say it every chance I get, but I wholeheartedly believe that Dr. Huber was meant to be our doctor. He goes out of his way to treat us like family and not just some number. He walked into our consult saying how much he effin hates negative pregger tests. (Me too, doc. Me too…) He also got teary-eyed when he apologized for not being able to get us pregnant last month. Y’all. This man. Our heartache is his heartache, too. I’m telling you, the amount he genuinely cares about us makes a WORLD of difference. Infertility is a freaking bitch. Dr. Huber and his team continues to make this journey a little less sucky for us.

We’ll start the process for the EndomeTRIO test next week. I’m a little bummed that we won’t be doing a transfer in March, but I am excited to get some backup data for whenever we CAN do our next FET. I’m all about numbers and science and second opinions. If this helps our chances of a live birth, I’m here for it.

For now, we’ll continue to joyfully wait for our next steps.