Sigh. I knew it was coming. I tried to call it before it even was a thing. I tried my hardest to be pessimistic because that was safer for my heart. Ha. Jokes on me because as I sit here and try to type out my feelings, I am sad. I’m really effin sad. And angry.

I’m angry at myself for allowing a little glimmer of hope sneak in. I’m angry that I didn’t do better to protect myself against this hurt. We’ve sorta been here before. I know what it’s like to get a negative pregnancy test. But this one stung a LOT harder.

Dr. Huber wanted me to wait until Day 28/29 to take a pregnancy test. “Then call me with a positive result,” he chimed in as I left his office after our first IUI. The entire staff was beaming with excitement, as they all wished me good luck. Maybe that’s why I got hopeful. My medical team was hopeful, why shouldn’t I be, too??

I waited until Day 25 and took the first pregnancy test. There’s a heartbreaking video of it if you care to see it. It’s the longest 2 minutes of my life, followed by the visual of my heart breaking. But don't worry, I sped up the waiting part for ya!

Aunt Flo hadn’t made her appearance when I took the first test, so there was a slight, SLIGHT chance that it was a false negative. My goal was to wait a few more days and then take another test.

Day 29: Negative. Here’s where Kirk and I start Googling reasons for a false negative preggo test. I had bronchitis/laryngitis/sinus crap that week. Could my meds be the culprit? I recently had my 2nd Rona Shot. Would that have any affect? Heavier Sigh…

Day 31 (I repeat, Day THIRTY. ONE.): Negative…. And still no sight of Good Ole Aunt Flo. What the actual eff.

Well, now I’m just freaking angry. This is bullshit. I’m either supposed to either be pregnant or have a period. One or the other. It’s not supposed to be neither. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this is supposed to work!

About an hour after I took the third preggo test, Aunt Flo arrived. As one of the bestie’s said, that bitch took the scenic route to get here. How nice.

So now what? Well, we rinse & repeat. Dr. Huber was pleased with all my numbers from the first cycle, so we’re going to do the same thing again: a few days of Letrozole, a few days of Follistim, a shot of Novarel, another IUI, and another few weeks of waiting. At least this time, I’ll know what to expect with each step & each medication.

I know the anticipated end result will make all this worth it, but right now it’s extremely hard to be optimistic. None of this is easy. None of this fun. It’s stressful and painful and expensive; with nothing to show from the first (failed) cycle. This. This is why I wish more people would talk about infertility. This shit is HARD and I’m struggling on how to process it all. You can’t sit there and tell me that it’s going to be ok, because we don’t know that. We can keep trying as many times as we want, but there’s no guarantee that any of it will actually work. Where do we draw the line? When is enough, enough? You know what they say about the definition of insanity. Yet, here we are, about to do the same thing over again, in hopes of a different outcome. Maybe this time will work. Maybe it won’t.

My baseline lab work has been scheduled. Now we wait… again.