Everyone warned me it would be hard to go back to work after my maternity leave, but I didn’t really grasp just how hard it was really going to be. Y’all. It downright SUCKS. I’ve been back to work for 2 weeks now and I’m pretty sure I’ve cried every day on the way into the office. Ha. Other working mommas know. This shit is hard.

I try to stay productive at work, but I find myself looking back at pictures of Campbell. Or stopping to talk about (& share said pictures of) him to literally anyone who will listen. #SorryNotSorry In the last few days of my leave, I thought I was ready to get back into a routine of working. It’s not the work that I mind. It’s not being around my baby all day that gets me in my feels.

“My Baby.” That feels weird to say. It still doesn’t seem real. Like I’m living some dream in an alternate universe and going to wake up at any moment. I spent my entire pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to drop. Feeling like I wasn’t really pregnant. Thinking that something was going to go wrong and that we’d never get our baby. But now that Campbell is here, I don’t feel like a mom. We’ve survived 3 months already, so I’m apparently doing ok BEING a mom. It’s a weird feeling. There are days where I feel more like Campbell’s babysitter than his mama. But I know that I’ve come a long way in just a few short months.

When Campbell was born, I didn’t get that instant heart-swelling feeling you hear so much about from women when they give birth to their babies. I didn’t feel connected to this stranger baby at all. I chalked it up to the meds I was on. Maybe the pain meds were numbing my emotions, too. We came home from the hospital and I didn’t know how to explain the lack of connection between me and this baby that I prayed SO. HARD. for, for all those years. It’s probably just all my hormones out of whack. I’m sure that feeling will come… eventually.

The first month of Cam’s life came & went. I knew I loved this child, but I didn’t FEEL like I thought I should with him. And I was sad. A lot. For no apparent reason. Going through this infertility journey for sooooo many years, you learn a thing or two about your emotions. But this? I couldn’t explain it. What’s more - I was scared that I’d never feel that bond with my baby. Dr. Paine diagnosed me with Postpartum Depression. She prescribed me Zoloft and explained to me that everything I’m feeling - or not feeling - is totally valid. She told me that I’ve put my body through hell to give birth, but that my hell started years ago when we began our IVF treatments. She told me the bond with Campbell would come and that I’m not a bad mother because it wasn’t instant for me. Hearing her words helped calm my heart, but I still ached for that elusive feeling. The weeks went by and Kirk went back to work. It was just me & this kid. All day long. We cried. A lot. But then, slowly, I started to feel something different; something stronger. I started to miss him when I was away. I started to impatiently wait for him to wake up so we could cuddle. I finally felt that bond with my baby boy. The one that makes me want to just squeeze him to pieces and not share him and get all his kisses. #whew. I did it. I got there, but man, what a journey it’s been. (As if I needed anymore journeys to be on.) To date, I’m still on Zoloft. And I still get sad occasionally. But, I take time for self-care to help combat those dark feelings. I’m back in the gym and I’m running again. And I know, with time, I’ll continue to get better. I can do hard things.

Campbell Man is officially THREE months old now! We’ve had lots of progress this past month. Campbell is consistently sleeping for about 9-10hours at night and in his crib. #Winning I laugh when people ask me how he’s sleeping. I keep anticipating the day these glorious nights of 9+ hours of uninterrupted sleep stop. But for now, I’m thoroughly enjoying this phase.

We’ve gotten into a pretty good routine. Cam gets 6oz of formula every 3 hours. He gets a bath about every 3 days. Our bedtime routine is pretty solid. He wakes up happy & gives THE BEST morning cuddles. He still gets a little fussy in the evenings, but we’re managing better now than we were when we first came home from the hospital. Campbell likes road trips and runs with Mama. He likes baths and classic rock music. His laugh is the cutest little shriek.

Things are going really well right now, but I know it won’t be like this forever. Like when he starts daycare in a few weeks and I become a hot mess express all over again. Ugh.. But until then, we’ll soak up the good times while we can.