Duck on a Pond

The first official date Kaley and I ever went on was in the fall of 2000. We were both 15 years old. Let that sink in. Her brother, Matt, drove us to the Palace Movie Theater in Elmwood. There we watched a great movie, “The Replacements.” You know the one… Keanu Reeves is the scrub quarterback for the pro football team on strike and Gene Hackman is the scrub coach. Let’s be honest - it is a great movie. If it comes on TV, you watch it. I do every single time! In one scene, Gene Hackman asks Keanu’s character, Shane Falco, if he is nervous about the upcoming game. Shane gives him some generic answer. Hackman responds with a line that for some reason has always stuck with me. He refers to the nervous quarterback as a duck on a pond. On the surface, a duck on a pond looks quite calm and serene. Just under the surface, a duck’s little feet are moving a million miles an hour constantly fighting the movement of the water, trying to either hold its position, or struggling to get wherever he is going. That’s a pretty accurate description of a guy about to play his first game in pro football, also a very accurate description of a husband of infertility and IVF. Sometimes, I feel like a lonely little duck fighting the current of the Mississippi River, trying to stay stable and unmoved.

I would never down play any single part of Kaley’s journey. In fact, I am reluctant to let her post this on her blog. Mainly, because this is her outlet and I don’t want to lament over my struggle with this journey. The fact of the matter is she has it a million times worse. The thing is there are a lot of places for her to go to get info. There is a lot of support for the hopeful mommas and “couples” on IVF journeys, but us husbands/ partners not getting physically pregnant, not so much. I have said it before, I operate better with a playbook and here there is none. Look man, IVF is a mean S-O-B. It is unrelenting. There is constantly something life-altering that you have zero control over. I feel like Kaley is always under attack. As a husband, it is my job to protect Kaley from pain and suffering. Yet, here I am shelling out my life savings and then some to make her cry LITERALLY every day. I would never purposefully put her through this amount of physical and emotional pain and anguish if not for our shared dream of having a child.

So, if I cannot protect her, what do I do? I sit here like a duck on a pond. I look calm and serene. I tell her everything is going to be alright. I hold her hand and then physically hold her when the pain is bad. I dry tears. I say that it is all ok. I buy lots of chocolate and ice cream and don’t fuss when she wants Mexican food for the 13th time this week. I swallow my pride instead of arguing. I hate myself when I do let things become an argument.  I tell her that our dreams are going to come true. I tell her we are going to get through this. All the while, I am sitting on this rushing water trying to convey this confidence and peace. The truth is, at this stage in the game my little duck legs are getting awfully tired...

Just the other day, she had to endure on of the most physically awful things shy of childbirth. I do not know what it is called, but basically, Dr. Huber went in and scrapped tissue out of her uterus so that he could send it off for some tests. The data he gets from it is invaluable. It will let him know 3 things: when is the best time in Kaley’s cycle to transfer the next embryo, and the other two are about if all the conditions are right in her uterus. The good news is there is no bad news with this test. The timing thing gives us a better chance of the embryo sticking and the other two, even if they come back unsatisfactory, can easily be treated. So that is good news. The bad news is Kaley dang near had an outta body experience when the doc got the sample. I have to say though, she is a champ y’all!

The results and a further game plan should be in order in two weeks. We do not know if we will transfer in May or not. It depends on the tests. So until then, I guess I am just gonna be here paddling my little duck feet. Y’all keep praying for us and sending love and good vibes. We appreciate them more then you guys will ever know!

Peace & Love,
Kirk

P.S. Kaley here! The test Kirk refers to above is the EndomeTRIO test I talked about in my last post. Legit, the worst pain of my life. THE. WORST.