What's a Guy to Do?
The past 20 years have been the blink of an eye. It seems like just yesterday this cute, skinny, awkward girl introduced herself to me at the church. Now it is 2021, and oh boy have we lived: 2 breakups, 2 seasons of reconciliation, 1 year of long distance, only 1 college degree (not mine of course), 4 homes shared, 7 cars purchased, 8 jobs between us, 1 kick ass wedding, 7 different countries and 10 states travelled together, 4 nephews and 2 nieces by blood, an estimated 720 of our friend’s kids that call us uncle and aunt, 2 incredible fur babies, millions of laughs, countless tears, and one love that has endured immense trials and tribulations. All those things make for one incredible life together, but there is a piece missing and we both feel it.
I recall a time when I was 13. My sister, April, who is 4 years my senior, came home bawling crying. I don’t remember why now, boy issues probably or maybe she got a “C” in school (she is an over achiever). Whatever it was seemed to shatter her 17-year-old world. Even as a nearly grown woman, the only thing that calmed her down was laying with my dad in his recliner and him holding her. Not having to say a word, just the immense power of his love was enough to quell even the most life shattering situation. In that moment, I felt quite jealous; not of her, but for my dad’s affections. I knew full well if it were me that were upset, even though it would cost him a shattered leg bone and destroyed La-Z-Boy to hold his 6-foot 4-inch, 250 pound 13 year old, he would have given me the same attention. No, I was jealous of my dad. Someone loved him so much that at their lowest point, the only thing that could bring them peace was his mere presence and touch. I am 36 years old now and still to this day if my world is upside down, he is the main person who can bring me peace. I want to be loved like that.
I think there is a misconception that infertility is a woman’s issue. I am living proof that is not the case. So as the title asks, what is a guy to do? I am sharing this journey with Kaley equally. I share feelings of inadequacy and failure. I share a feeling of brokenness. I mean I am a man; we are supposed to spread our seed. It is supposed to happen easily and if not, it feels like I am not a real man. I tell her often that those feelings are not logical for her to have, but I have them all the time. One thing I am doing, and I feel like it is the most important part in my marriage, I am assuring Kaley that she is enough for me and they are not just words, it is the truth. Do I want to be a father? Yes. Do I care how it happens, not really. I mean I would love to have a biological child of our own, but only if that is God’s plan. If having a family does not travel that road, I think there is a special place in God’s kingdom for those that adopt, and I would love to adopt and give a child the loving home they deserve. Even if this road ends with us just having a house full of dogs, Kaley is enough, and we are already a family. So that is my take on this journey we are on.
On a side note, thank all of you for participating in this journey with us. It is no small task for Kaley to share all of this openly and I am so proud of her for this blog. I am so thankful for all of you guys, as well. The love and support from you all have been completely overwhelming. I told Kaley the other night that it just goes to show that, if nothing else, this process has been verification that we have surrounded ourselves with the right people. So, keep those prayers, good vibes, and encouragements coming because they have made a huge difference.
Peace and love,
Kirk
