*God Winks*

Let’s chat about God Winks & Infertility. For those of you who are currently asking yourself, “What the heck is a God Wink?” It’s a tangible sign from God; some sort of coincidence that feels much larger than just a coincidence.

But first, a little back story:

A few days before we realized that our first IUI had failed, I walked into our bedroom for one reason or another. As soon as I turned the corner from the hallway, I immediately knew something was off. There, on my nightstand, was my bible haphazardly open to Joshua 1. This was a chapter I read weeks earlier. The podcast for this reading talked about how often “be strong and courageous” appears throughout a single chapter. Naturally, I highlighted all these instances. Right there, across two pages, the words “be strong and courageous” appeared FOUR times:

- Be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:6)
- Be strong and very courageous (Joshua 1:7)
- Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9)
- Only be strong and courageous! (Joshua 1:18)

THIS. This was the page my bible was mysteriously open to when I walked into the room. This was the biggest God Wink I’d seen in a while.

Fertility treatments are scary, and expensive, and the worst part about it: there’s no guarantee they’ll even work. I’m putting my body (& my marriage) through absolute hell for a mere possibility to get pregnant. Each month, I go through that same hell again. And again. Yet, here’s our God telling me to be strong; to be courageous. ::insert chill bumps::

You wanna see someone strong & courageous? Take a look at every single person you know who has been through fertility treatment. We’re volunteering for trauma without batting an eye. We’re putting on a brave face when our souls & savings accounts are completely drained. We are each other’s biggest cheerleaders because we know the sacrifices it took to get to this point of the journey. We do it all for a chance to get pregnant. And we’ll do it all over again next month.

I know that we have throngs of people rooting for us on our journey, but I also know that this is NOT easy. Infertility doesn’t come with a lot of positive sides. It’s so much negativity, but to be reminded that God’s with us and He’s got our backs makes the pain & suffering a bit more bearable. I know I can be strong and courageous because of HIM.

After our most recent IUI, I had a few friends and family ask about the procedure. They each were so cute as they tip-toed around asking their questions. Y’all. I will not spontaneously combust if the topic of fertility treatment comes up in conversation. Just because I, personally, will never be the one to bring it up, doesn’t mean that YOU can’t. Feel free to ask away!

Their questions made me realize just how unknown the world of infertility is to those who are not engulfed in it. So, here’s some Fertility 101 for ya on a few of the most recent questions I’ve been asked:

- How do we refer to what you’re going through?
- I’m going through treatment for infertility, or fertility treatment, and specifically for an IUI. Each cycle coexists with my menstrual cycle.
- The day Aunt Flo arrives is considered Day 1.
- Baseline lab work (blood work & vaginal ultrasound) is done on Day 2 or Day 3.
- The schedule of meds will differ for each cycle, but in a nutshell:
* Letrozole, my only oral med, is taken for 5 days in a row, typically starting around Day 3. This med helps stimulate ovulation.
* Follistim, the pen shot, is taken for 1 – 3 days following the Letrozole; starting around Day 8. This med contains FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) which helps stimulate healthy ovaries.
* Novarel, the trigger shot, is taken around Day 10 of my cycle. This is the injectable with the big needle that I have to mix. It contains the hCG hormone (human chorionic gonadotropin) that helps develop my eggs and “triggers” my body into ovulation.
* Roughly 36 hours after the trigger shot, I go in for the IUI. (Usually around Day 11) - I go back in for more lab work between the Follistim and Novarel shots. Based on what Dr. Huber sees, I either do a few more days of Follistim, or go straight to the Novarel shot. From there, my IUI is scheduled.

- What’s an IUI?
- IUI stands for intrauterine insemination. My gyno calls it the “turkey baster method”. Ha! The procedure only lasts about 3 minutes and is the EASIEST part of treatment.
- The day of the procedure, we bring in a sample of Kirk’s swimmers to be “washed” about an hour and a half before my appointment. The clinic literally washes the good sperm from the bad sperm.
- Once I arrive for my part, the nurse has me confirm that the test tube of good swimmers is, in fact, Kirk’s. Actually, I have to confirm this about 3 different times. (Which totally makes me wonder how often someone got it wrong in the past! Eek!)
- After all the I’s are dotted and T’s are crossed, Dr. Huber will take a syringe with a long flexible tube-like nose and insert the swimmers directly into the lining of my uterus.
- Once inseminated, I hang out for about 5 minutes. (And no, I’m not upside down with my feet in the air like Phoebe was in that episode of Friends. Although maybe I should start singing “Little Fetus” each time I go in!)
- Then we wait 2 weeks and take a preggers test.

- Does it hurt?
- The IUI? Nope. Not even a little bit. It’s legit the easiest part of treatment. I don’t feel a thing.
- The side effects to all the meds? Sometimes, yes. A few of main side effects I’ve dealt with have been irritability, cramping, blurred vision, headaches, nauseous, tiredness, & crying (so. much. cryinggggg). Each symptom comes and goes on a whim. There’s no consistency nor anything I’ve noticed that triggers it. The only thing I’ve found that helps any of this is cinnamon flavored candies help with the nausea. (Gimme all the Mike & Ike’s Hot Tamales and Red Hot jawbreakers!) Oh, and ice cream helps with the crying; specifically ice cream with chocolate syrup and sprinkles.

- Why do you film your shots?
- I have to be honest. This question took me a bit by surprise. I’m going to assume that most of you follow me on social media (otherwise, how’d you even get here?!). If you follow me on Instagram, you know how often I’m documenting my life: feet pics with Remy before our runs, reposts from gym, selfies with the girls, etc. Once I finally came to terms with needing an outlet for our infertility journey, it’s only made sense to create this blog. I document every step along the way (1) as a coping mechanism for myself and (2) to show others going through this same journey that it’s not as scary as it seems. My videos show you the raw, unfiltered emotions that come with infertility. There’s usually some laughter AND some tears. You won’t always see or hear him, but Kirk is typically around for the videos. This isn’t just MY journey, but it’s HIS journey, too. I could not do this alone. I’m thankful he’s there with me for every step.

On that note, I’ve updated my photos and videos page. Do you see someone who’s strong & courageous? Because I sure do!