I don't want to be okay
For the past few years, I’ve been following this page on Facebook, Battling Infertility. Listen when I say that this page speaks to my SOUL. It’s a page chock full of memes and blurbs around what it’s like to go through infertility. The blogger says what those of us in this community want to say but aren’t sure how. And she’s really freaking good at it. Some posts are funny – because if we don’t laugh, we’ll definitely cry. Some posts are more serious and matter-of-fact. It’s been a little ray of sunshine that reminds me I’m not alone in this journey and that there are throngs of other women out there feeling every emotion I am about this.
A few weeks ago, a new photo pop up on the page. It was a simple graphic: a solid pink background with 12 little words on it:
I don’t want to be okay. I want to be a mama.
Reading those words felt like a dagger to the heart and at the same time, I felt seen. THIS. This is how I feel with each breakdown; each new medication; each failed treatment. I don’t want to be okay. I want to be pregnant. And a momma. And have a bigger family than the one I’ve got right now. I want the dirty diapers and the sleepless nights. I want the itty, bitty baby clothes and the new baby smell. I want to save for college in the year 2040 and watch the world through a child’s eyes. I don’t want to just be okay. I want to be a mama.
We found out last week that our 3rd IUI failed, and I haven’t taken it very well. Yes, it effing sucks. Yes, I’m hella sad, but I’m also really, really angry. Not surprisingly, the latest negative preggers test isn't easier to watch, either. We decided to meet with Dr. Huber to regroup. Three strikes & you’re out, right?! Kirk & I wanted to know what our options were here. Do we keep going with another round of IUI? Which, frankly, is the textbook definition of insanity. Do we take a break altogether? Do we pull the trigger on IVF??
What I love about Dr. Huber is how he talks to us like we’re humans and not some science experiment. He went over my labs from each cycle. He explained why he did the things he did and why he thought none of them worked. Apparently, I’m ovulating wayyyy sooner than normal. He then gave us the pros & cons of all our options. If I wanted to take a break – no problem! We’d pick back up when I was ready. If I wanted to move forward with IVF – let’s do it! If I wanted to try another round of IUI – let’s tweak some meds and give it another whirl!
So that’s what we’re doing – IUI #4. For this cycle, Dr. Huber is going to switch out my Letrozole (the oral meds) for Clomid. Oof. Side story: this is what I was on way back when with my gyno. I am NOT a fan of how it makes me feel. ::heavy sigh:: Ok. Let’s do this. As one of the besties told me: “You’ve done injectable drugs on a public bathroom floor. This is the easy part.” Gosh, how right is she?! Taking these oral meds IS the easy part. Sure, the side effects suck, but I think I’ve done a decent job of handling those so far, what’s a few more days?
It’s also worth mentioning, the first time I took Clomid, I wasn't able to compare it to anything. It was the first time I had taken any type of fertility meds. I’ve been on Letrozole for 3 months now. I know when I have good days and bad days (and good hours vs bad hours). I’m doing my best to manage ALLLLLLLL those feelings. I also walk around spouting off disclaimers to those around me. Ha! I know I can handle Clomid, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not nervous about it. I didn’t like who I was as a person when I was on it before and I’m struggling enough as it is. I just hope that it isn’t worse than the past few months have been. I think the worst so far was when I started crying over being able to hear Kirk chew his dinner. Well, I was crying because I was absolutely livid. It became this whole thing when it's should have been nothing. I can’t handle much more than that. I don’t think Kirk can, either. Bless his heart, y’all.
So, let’s do this. Let’s attempt another IUI.
4 is my favorite number, anyway…
