Healing
TRIGGER WARNING: pregnancy lost
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I’ll be frank. This post isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows. It’s going to be about the nitty, gritty side of pregnancy loss that NO ONE talks about. No hard feelings if you need to bounce instead of reading on. Although, I do wish you’d stay. I wish more women talked about the healing part of a miscarriage. Maybe you’ll learn a thing or two. Maybe it’ll help someone in the future if/when they have to walk these same steps.
To recap: our pregnancy from our second frozen embryo transfer (Charlie), ended at 7weeks + 2 days due to a blighted ovum - also called an anembryonic pregnancy. Baby girl just never grew. Two days later, I had a MVA (manual vacuum aspiration), which is similar to a D&C (dilation and curettage). Post-op, I was told to expect “some bleeding”. I was also restricted from taking baths, going swimming, exercising and using tampons.
What I wasn’t told: how long ANY of this would last.
I wish I knew that it would take WEEKS (& possibly MONTHS) for my body to return to its normal levels.
I wish I knew that I would bleed or have some sort of discharge every. single. day.
I wish I knew how painful it was going to be to pass numerous blood clots of various sizes & colors.
I wish I knew that every 10 days, I’d have to go in for more blood work.
I wish I knew that whenever my period comes back, it’s going to be longer, heavier, and more painful than ever.
I wish I knew how quickly I’d fall into depression. How sad I’d really be. How no matter what I did, I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions.
2 weeks post-op, I went in for blood work to check my hCG levels; the pregnancy hormone. I would be restricted until this level was less than 5. My levels came back at 1862. (For reference, 2 weeks prior to my procedure, my hCG levels were at 4127.) Um, ok. Cool. So my body still thinks I’m pregnant. #Awesome #Sarcasm
I followup with more blood work 10 days later. hCG: 903. More blood work 10 days after that - 291. Another 10 days - 65. Good news: my levels are dropping so I’m progressing. Bad news: I’ve been bleeding, passing blood clots, and having some form of discharge for SIX weeks (& counting!) and my hormones STILL THINK I’M PREGNANT. If that’s not the biggest slap in the face, Idk what is.
And to top it off, contrary to freaking science, I started my period. Yep. My hormones may think I’m still pregnant, but my lady bits said here’s your cycle back! Apparently, all of this falls within the normal range of what’s to be expected. Except that I didn’t expect ANY of it. There is nothing I can do to speed up the healing process. I have to just wait for my body to “do its thing”.
While I can’t do anything until my hCG levels get back to normal, we have started to plan my next egg retrieval. All meds have been ordered and were delivered this week. A whopping $5500 worth of meds are currently sitting on my dining room table. And I’m stuck waiting. Again.
All of the healing and waiting and bleeding and restrictions have taken its toll on me. These past 6 weeks haven’t been easy. I’m reminded every day that we were one step closer to our dreams; that God answered our prayers to be pregnant; and that my body failed me. It failed us. It’s hard to move past something so earth-shattering when you’re reminded of it day in and day out. How do I mentally heal from this when I’m still bleeding every day? How do I mend a broken heart when my body constantly sends me nuance reminders that it sucks? Working with my trainer and running weren’t just for my physical health. Both were a big a part of my mental health. And I haven’t been able to do either in almost 3 months. “You have to heal first, Kaley.” Yeah well, what good is it to be physically healed if my mind is trash?
I read an article the other day that compared pregnancy loss grief to postpartum depression. I kinda get it. In both instances, our hormones go on a wild rollercoaster ride. If there is an validity to this article, then to all my mama bears out there - I’m sorry I didn’t do better about checking in on you. I see you and I am in awe at what you’ve overcome.
I am actively looking for a therapist to talk to about our miscarriage & our IVF journey. If you have any recommendations, please send them my way. I know that eventually, I will be ok, but this season of waiting is difficult.
This season of waiting makes my heart hurt in ways I never knew possible.
