National Infertility Awareness Week 2021
I’ve followed along with National Infertility Awareness Week for the past 8+ years, but I’ve always watched from the sidelines. It was just easier that way. I could “creep” from afar without letting anyone get close enough to me to see my pain. I could read the stories of others in the same situation as me and know that I’m not alone, without having to say the words out loud. I could be a part of it, without having to fully commit to being a part of it. But here’s the thing: I AM a part of it. Kirk & I are in that number (and not the Saints go marching in number!). We are one in eight couple who struggle with infertility. One in EIGHT. Take a look around your tribe, odds are you know quite a few couples who are in this number, too.
It wasn’t until I started this blog that I truly realized just how therapeutic writing out my feelings was for me. I’ve journaled pretty much my entire life, but those words are tucked away in notebooks that are scattered throughout my house. Those words have only been for my eyes; no one else’s. This blog, though, whoa man. This blog is for EVERYBODY to see. This blog is for those close to me, those I don’t even know, to read and feel and relate to my story.
Some fun facts: Resolve.org started National Infertility Awareness Week back in 1989. It was created as a safe place for millions of us going through to the same journey to unite our stories, to give us a voice and a community where we won’t feel alone, to help remove the stigmas and barriers that stand in the way of building families.
Over the past few months, I’ve started following a LOT of fertility accounts across social media. One in particular, Pregnantish, posted a challenge for NIAW called #InfertilityLooksLike. If you have a minute, I ask that you follow that hashtag. Take a few moments to dive deep into the world of Infertility. I don’t always have the words to express myself, but this community sure does!
#InfertilityLooksLike:
- A lot and lot of tears
- Having no control over my emotions
- Asking questions, and being ok with non-answers
- Different kind of shots than those I took in my 20s
- Being scared, and a badass, at the same time
- The feeling of failure as a female
- Shame, guilt, depression… yet hopeful
- Wondering “Why Me?”
- Draining Savings Accounts
- Starting over again & again because I really want to be a momma
- Joyfully Waiting
Sharing our story opens me up to often unsolicited advice. If you aren’t personally dealing with infertility, it can be hard to know what to say. Heck, I am in the thick of treatment and I don’t know what to say myself! And that’s ok. I know, first & foremost, that most of you mean well and are trying to help. But sometimes, what’s said to me in response to my blog posts isn’t the nicest nor helpful. In honor of NIAW, I will share this tidbit about what you should (& shouldn’t!) say to anyone going through fertility treatments.
Please don't say:
“It’ll be ok”
Yes, we know this. In the grand scheme of things, we know that, eventually, it WILL be ok. However, telling us this when we’re hurting doesn’t help.
INSTEAD SAY: “This must be really difficult. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Just relax”
No ma’am. This one just makes us mad. We’re on several drugs (both oral & injectable) that take away all control over our hormones. We give more blood & urine samples than anyone should ever have to give. And don’t even get me started on the number of vaginal ultrasounds… We get poked & prodded by a handful of strangers and we must be ok with it. There is no way humanly possible to “relax” during treatment cycles. Our bodies aren’t meant for this type of torture. Infertility is a medical condition. Relaxation is not a cure.
INSTEAD SAY: “Can I give you a hug?”
“You can always adopt”
First off: Adoption is not a second-place award for parenthood. Adoption in and of itself is an absolutely beautiful thing. However, before we can even think about traveling down the road to adoption, we must first grieve the loss of our own biological children. If we’re currently going through treatments, we obviously aren’t there yet.
INSTEAD SAY: “I’m thinking about you and I’m here whenever you need me” “
My friend’s brother’s cousin went through this & they got pregnant. Hang in there”
This one is a doozy. Telling me that Joe Blow went through this & now has a baby doesn’t help. It hurts. It hurts that Joe Blow is at the end of his journey when I’m at what feels like the beginning.
INSTEAD SAY: “I’m sorry. Here’s some chocolate.”
It’s only fitting that I’m in the middle of my second treatment cycle the same week as NIAW. Maybe this is the pixie dust we need for a successful cycle, but it’s also ok if it’s not. We’ll pick back up and try again. And we know y’all will be there right beside us to help us with whichever direction we’re headed next.
So, thank you. Seriously, THANK YOU. I’m extremely thankful for each & every one of you. I’m thankful for each message you’ve sent over the past few months. I’m thankful for all the love and support you’re sending my way. I'm thankful for the prayers. Don’t stop. Keep ‘em coming!
