Holding Pattern
Well, we are here again. Like most of our fertility journey, we are in a holding pattern again. I very clearly remember Kaley texting me about her vaccine shot she had to get and that it would set us back another cycle. She remembers me staying calm and collected and saying that it was ok and that it is God’s time. She remembers me telling her what she needed to hear and not what she wanted to hear. So, I guess I did my job, but truth be told - I was just as crushed as she was. That is the most difficult part of this for me and I pray that God continues to give me the strength to be supportive and positive in disappointment, but I am so afraid that I am not strong enough. Especially if this process does not work for us. Responsibly, we tell ourselves that this new path we are on still only puts us at the same odds of conceptions as other couples without a history of unexplained infertility, so to remain realistic and mitigate the disappointment if things do not work out the way we hope. The truth is we are putting all our faith in this process, and like most things human beings put all their emotional stock into, we feel like we deserve this. I find that in the end, though, God typically does not really show much concern for what I feel like I deserve, because in the end I do not deserve the multitude of blessings that have already been bestowed on me.
I know this is a marathon and not a sprint, and the ONLY marathon Kaley and I will ever be able to run together. Disappointment is a way of life and I will continue to try and be as strong as I can be through this. When I get low in spirit and disheartened, I return to a recent memory that has solidified my resolve. In 2019, Kaley and I enjoyed an incredible trip to St. Lucia with our best friends and frequent travel companions, the LaBure’s (who we love like family). We had an incredible weeklong trip in paradise, made lifelong memories, and even became cherished friends with several total strangers from all corners of the country. The trip was perfect; the flight home was not. After multiple delays and the captain openly telling us that he had no working fuel gauge, we were finally on our way to NOLA. We get the word that we are on final approach. We feel the decent and next thing we know we are plastered to our seats! The plane is obviously lifting off back into the air and we are all under the assumption we are about to die, or at least I was convinced of that being that I am not a good flyer at all. The captain informs us that the fog is thick, and he missed the runway and was going to try again (this captain was a little too loose with the info, if you ask me). We were then in a holding pattern and had to try again with no idea how much fuel we had. In that moment, I think Kaley knew my anxiety level and she grabbed my hand. In that moment, I felt a peace that I did not expect. I did not by any means no longer have anxiety, in fact - he tried to land two more times unsuccessfully but for that moment I was certain everything would be alright. We ended up diverted to Houston and staying at a disgusting murder motel, which we laughed and made memories at regardless. So, when I say Kaley is enough, that what I mean. She is enough. That is where my strength comes from. I do not know how this will work out in the end, but when I look at her, I know everything will be alright.
Peace and Love,
Kirk
