It’s Ok to Not Be Ok
I don’t normally do feelings outwardly. I have written this entry about 5 times now and have deleted it every time. Each time, it has been different. Each time it made me feel things I either don’t want to, or am not ready to feel. I have been really struggling this summer since we lost our baby. Mentally and emotionally, I am struggling to find some balance. I am trying to reason with myself that losing our baby is not my fault. I know full well in my brain it is not, but I am having a hard time convincing my heart. I am trying to figure out how to live with the fact that this process causes harm to Kaley and there is no way I can protect her from this. Most of all, I am trying to process how I am going to be ok spiritually when I am so mad right now.
I got mad at God. My faith has been a huge part of my life. I have done my best to honor God with the kind of man that I am. I focus my whole demeanor on loving people, being compassionate, and trying to promoting goodness. I pursue a relationship with God through faith in Jesus Christ and I share the Gospel of Jesus’ salvation as often as I can. Kaley and I want a baby that we can love. A child that we can impart the best of us on. Our baby will be enveloped by love not just by us but also by this giant tribe of people who are following our journey. We have prayed and it looked like God had answered that prayer. We were ecstatic! But just has quickly, it was torn from us. It just does not seem fair to me. So I got mad at God. I got depressed and felt supremely guilty for it. Luckily, God has big shoulders. Every year, I share a message at our Labor Day beach service. In preparation this year, I had nothing to share. I have been spiritually dry. Honestly, I did not want to share anything because I still felt guilty that I was mad at God. My pastor, Dr. Dustin Turner, helped me walk though some of that and reminded me that even Jesus felt like I did. From the cross in his suffering, he cried out “My God. My God. Why have you forsaken me?” Jesus, in his humanity, felt abandon by God, so it is ok for me to as well, as long as I do not hold on to it. In fact, Jesus’ words come from Psalms 22. That chapter starts as a psalm of lamentation but ends as a psalm of praise. The lesson being it is ok to feel that way for a time as long as you work your way back to praise. (See the link to hear the whole message.)
So where am I now? Well, I am praying and working my way back to understanding that losing our baby girl is no one’s fault, not even God’s. Our baby just was not ready yet. I am working to find peace that His road, as broken as it is, is ours to travel. I am coming more and more each day, to the realization that Kaley is an absolute super hero and I don’t have to always protect her, because she is so much stronger than me anyway. Finally through this blog, I am coming to realize that maybe I need to do feelings more often. I am getting back to being ok I guess, but I must be honest, this journey is not for the faint at heart. Keep praying for us and loving us, because the best tool we have to make it more bearable is you all. So thank you!!
Love and Peace
Kirk
